The Relationship Rescue

Rescue Your Marriage or Relationship – Even If You're The Only One Who Wants To

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Breaking up Sucks! Everyone has the same advice, just forget your ex and move on. But that’s not always easy, is it?

Sometimes, you want to fight for the relationship. Sometimes you just know deep in your heart that if only you could get another chance with your ex, things would work out. Sometimes, you just can’t close that chapter unless you get another try.

If you think this is one of those times then you are in the right place. This guide is all about getting that one last chance to make things right. This guide will give you the knowledge that you need to get your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back and keep them. If your relationship still doesn’t work, then you can rest assured that this relationship wasn’t meant to be. But if it works, you will be glad that you took the time to read these 3 steps.

These 3 steps are based on simple psychological techniques that work extremely well after a breakup. It’s not some mind tricks and cheap gimmicks that you will use to trick your ex into getting back together. If you are planning to trick your ex or force them into being with you, you are just going to end up in another miserable breakup. This guide will teach you how to start a new relationship with your ex; a relationship that actually has a chance of being a long lasting healthy relationship. Not the same old one which ended in this breakup.

The first step, of this guide is to understand the biggest mistakes that people make after a breakup and AVOID THEM. Doing these mistakes will not only drive your ex further away. They will also make you feel rejected and unworthy.


1. DO NOT BE NEEDY & NO BEGGING: It’s one of the most common reactions to the breakup. If someone has decided to breakup with you, begging is not going to change their mind.

Begging and pleading makes you look like a needy person. And that is unattractive, very unattractive.

Do you think they want to breakup because they want you to beg them to take them back? Nobody wants to be with a needy person. And even if your begging worked, it’s going to lead to a relationship where you will end up being a doormat.

NEVER BE THE DOORMAT: It comes right after begging and pleading; accepting everything while throwing your self-worth away in the trashcan (aka Doormat Syndrome). You agree everything your ex wants without even considering your happiness.

You put your self-worth, your happiness, your dreams and your entire life on the back burner just so you could be with your ex. Sometimes, people do it just to hold on to the possibility of being with their ex in the future. It’s a direct consequence of begging and pleading. It makes your ex think “Well, if you are that desperate to be with me, then you must accept everything that I want.”

In most cases, if you agree to be a doormat, your ex will keep you around to satisfy their emotional or sexual needs, but they won’t commit to you.

If they do commit to you, it will probably be an unhappy, smothering or even abusive relationship.

And you know what happens to a relationship where one person is a doormat? They end. Sooner or later they all end. If you want to get your ex back and give it a real chance, please do not become doormat.

AVOID THE PHONE CATASTROPHE: There are so many ways to contact a person these days, it’s almost ridiculous. You can call them, text them, facebook them, tweet them, and so much other stuff. And this comfortable technology leads to one of the worst mistakes people make after a breakup, texting their ex all the time (sometimes hundreds to thousands of texts a day.)

Just imagine a scenario where you don’t want to talk to a person and they are sending you a text message every 5 minutes. Your inbox is filled with hundreds of messages by them, even though you haven’t replied to even one. And later on at night, that person gets drunk and calls you and start saying complete and utter non-sense. What would you think of that person? Would it make you want to start a new relationship with them?

Texting your ex all the time and calling them drunk is only going to make them less attracted to you. If you want to win your ex back, you’ve got to give them some time alone. You also need to give yourself some time without your ex. And calling and texting is not going to help anyone.


Trust me; your ex knows how much you love them. And they also know that “you care for them”, “you want them to be happy”, “that they make you happy”, and “that they complete you.”

They were in a relationship with you too and they probably care for you too. But that’s not what caused the breakup.

Your ex doesn’t need to hear all this right now. It’s only going to make them put their defenses up. Your ex has decided to breakup with you for a reason and every time you express your infinite love for them, you are making them think of that reason in their mind.

Do you post sad facebook status messages all day? Do you hope that your ex will see them and come back to you? Whenever your ex calls, do you tell them how much you miss them and how much lonely you are without them? Do you think your ex will take you back because of pity?

First of all getting back together with your ex because you are lonely is not a good idea. What you are experiencing is just one of the symptoms of breakup. Everyone feels like this. And it doesn’t last forever. Secondly, acting like this is only going to make your ex less attracted to you. And even if they do feel pity for you, they are not going to get back together because of it.

No one wants to be with a sad person. If you want to get your ex back, you will have to learn to be happy. If nothing else, at least act like you are not miserable.


If you think that by being friends with your ex, you can stay in their lives and hopefully get back together again, you are just plain wrong. By being friends you are not giving yourself and your ex enough time and space to heal. Not to mention, you will probably end up getting friendzoned by your ex. You could end up listening to your ex complaining about their new lovers (cue : Ex-girlfriends) or they might propose being friends with benefits (cue: Ex-boyfriends.)

In either case, you are just going to get hurt and not get what you want; a committed relationship with your ex. If you are serious about getting your ex back, or being happy in your life, make sure you never force them for being friends or even decline their offer to do so; at least, not until you are done with step 2


Breakup is hard as it is, especially if you are still obsessing over your ex and wondering all the time whether or not they miss you. On top of that, if your ex starts dating someone else, it’s almost feels like someone punched you really hard in your stomach (while wearing a wolverine claw). Nothing can prepare you for this feeling. But it happens. And no, it’s nothing to worry about.

The fact is, if your ex starts dating someone else soon after a breakup, then it’s definitely a rebound relationship. And rebound relationships never last. In fact, it just means that after you broke up, your ex had a huge hole in their life that they are trying to fill with someone new. In many cases, they rush into it too soon and things get too serious really fast. There is nothing to worry about as the faster it moves, the faster it will end.

In almost all the cases of rebound relationship, people soon realize that this new relationship isn’t right for them and end it. So, even if your ex starts dating someone new, do not freak out. It’s just a rebound relationship and it will end soon.

If you try to convince your ex that this new person is not right for them, it’s only going to make them want it more (think of telling someone to not press a button and they’ll definitely want to press it). They might even let the rebound relationship run longer just to prove you wrong.

If you are in a situation like this, the best thing to do is just be cool about it. Do not give your opinion about their new relationship and let it run its course. Just be cool about the whole thing and try to concentrate on your life rather than theirs. There are a lot of things that you need to do after a breakup and before you can get your ex back. That’s what step 2 is all about.


Don’t beat yourself over it. These are all knee-jerk reactions after a breakup. The important thing is to realize they are mistakes and not do them again. Your relationship can still be saved if you don’t repeat these mistakes again. The best thing you can do to repair damage done is to follow step these steps, diligently.





Dating Over 40: A Down-To-Earth Male Reveals His Side

Dating Like A Grownup: Dating Over 40

I recently read the websites about dating over 40. I am, after all, now officially “Over 40!” While skimming through blogs, articles and the occasional rant, I came across a pretty awesome site. And, found an interview with a real man who was cool enough to share his feelings on the subject of dating over 40. You’re welcome! 😉

His Words: A 50+ guy trying to “get back out there.”

“Personally, I find the biggest obstacle, and most commonly occurring is type 4 the Wow- me woman (LINK). Even as a guy it is rough out there and this Wow me attitude is so prevalent and SO discouraging.

I’m no slouch: tall, trim, own my own business, nice guy to a fault. What do women say? “L, you are kind, decent, funny, and attractive but I just don’t feel enough “electricity” (aka infatuation) so I’m going to have to end it.”

The biggest obstacle I face it is meeting this expectation of “rock me to my soul connection” fantasy man that even they can’t explain. Whatever it is, apparently I don’t have enough of it. Maybe they carry it at Costco! In thinking about it, I’m not even sure when they say that, it’s the real issue. These women have been emotionally abused, disappointed, betrayed and they are just so hard wired to not get hurt again. Understandable. By setting unattainable standards (fantasy man) they ensure they will never again let somebody close enough to them to hurt them again. But then, I only took one psych course in college……

I like to keep things simple. All I want, to use an old fashioned term, is a girlfriend. Somebody I can take out to dinner on Wednesday, a picnic on Saturday, and talk to or text during the week. How hard can that be?

Getting dates isn’t the problem, it’s converting just one to girlfriend status that has been the challenge. I get an enormous volume of contacts but these fifty year olds are like herding cats on caffeine. They come, they go, they re-appear. One second they’re super interested and then a day later it’s “hmmm, well, I’m not sure, yes, no, maybe, catch me if you can”. They break up with me and then come back to renegotiate what I could best describe as a non-physical/friends with emotional benefits/rental husband offer (which doesn’t sound too appealing to me to be honest). They’ll text me non-stop for an entire weekend, totally disappear, and then email me ten days later.

“Rules Girl” tactics are common: don’t return phone calls or texts for 48 hours, don’t pick up the phone for scheduled phone dates, etc. (This is another “Bobbi’s right”, fifty year old guys hate that type of stuff.) A woman who will initiate a few ‘how’s your day going?’ texts and return texts within a few hours gets moved to the top of my list just because it’s so rare.

I’m starting to get an inferiority complex. My new ‘to do’ list: new deodorant brand, check teeth for broccoli, get prison gang tattoo and rob a convenience store to dispel nice guy image….

At this point becoming a priest is looking pretty appealing.”

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11 Secret Tricks To Save During The Holidays & Beyond

We all want to shave off a little here and there, and save the most money that we can! It’s never an easy thing to do, especially when certain expenses are recurring. Financial experts all agree that it makes good sense to revisit your regular living expenses often, at least quarterly, to insure you’re getting the most out of your options. And lucky for you, there’s a method to the madness! And even luckier for you, it’s an easy method. Use these tips to keep your holiday spending within budget and save more this year than ever.

FIRST #1: Before using any of these tips, set your holiday budget! If you set aside a certain amount and budget, you will keep your spending in check.

1. Train your brain to become frugal.  This is actually a tip that you can use all year long. I recall the sinking feeling when I sat down to actually read my bank statement, last January. Too much holiday present giving. Get the most out of your device and download the mobile version of your bank. e-Banking is completely safe if your device is free of viruses, so make a point of checking (at least once every three days or so) to keep tabs on your spending. We often become a little too acclimated to impulse purchases, grabbing conveniences at the corner store, and so on. It all adds up. Training yourself to “check in” every few days, setting your intro page to “account withdrawals” so you see the list of debits, will make a difference you can see, and you’ll actually spend less. If you know, for example, that you just received your direct deposit of $1500 and you know that money is available, you’re more apt to go ahead and spend. But if you check your balance regularly, you’ll literally train your mind to become more frugal due to often seeing the debits.

2. Train yourself to remember to take advantage of Cash Back deals -all of them.  Before making online purchases, consider how you’re paying. Use the card that makes the most sense! With the advent of the internet, shopping has become a convenience versus a luxury. Whether you’re shopping at the brick and mortar store or online, especially for holiday gifts, I guarantee you can get cash back somehow. If you have a points plan on your credit card, or can earn cash back through your card such as Discover, take advantage of it. American Express and Visa offer everything from Delta Sky Miles, points, cash back and so on. Again, it all adds up. If you don’t have a credit card with cash back or points options, maybe it’s time to call your company and discuss your options. If they want to keep you as a customer, regardless of how much debt you’ve racked up with them (trust me, they prefer that you do) there will be an option to transfer your higher interest balances to a card that includes benefits. And you just might have an opportunity to lower your interest rates while you’re at it. Believe it or not, this is easier than you think. The holidays are an excellent time to advise your card companies that you deserve a better rate. So consider your cash back options before hitting the stores. And again, you can do this all year long.

3. Take advantage of Free Cash Back (no credit card required.)  With sites such as EBates, My Points, Jolly Wallet and others that offer cash back deals, you can really save a lot of money. Stores you wouldn’t think twice about that you visit fairly often are likely listed and offer deals. These sites are wonderful for listing popular promotional and discount codes as well as offering up to 18% cash back all in one place. You can use sites such as My Points to earn points toward gift cards and discounts, while EBates sends you a “Big Fat Check” every few months. Jolly Wallet will tally your purchases and offer cash back toward future purchases as well as in your account. Sites such as these also offer “apps” which you can take with you on your mobile device, as well as install on your devices at home. If you happen to be shopping at a store online that offers cash back, you’ll see an “activate cash back” alert on the screen for Jolly Wallet and EBates resulting in double cash back. And select stores will offer “Double Cash Back” on certain days of the month through Ebates. If you sign up for the Ebates email updates on your favorite stores, you’ll never miss a Double Day. And as always, this is an excellent tip for year-round use.

4. Don’t underestimate the power of Coupon & Promo Codes.  EBates, My Points and even Amazon (occasionally, Amazon) and my favorite, Retail Me Not (dot com) will show you coupon codes for both online as well as in-store purchases. If you’re shopping anywhere on the internet, I can almost guarantee there’s a free shipping code. Stores often allow more than one code per purchase, so do try multiple codes in combinations to get the best deal! Take my last Victoria’s Secret purchase: I activated cash back through both EBates and Jolly Wallet. And I used 3 codes that were on Retail Me Not to save $150, get free shipping, get a free gift, and I got a total of 8% cash back because EBates and Jolly Wallet offered double cash back for that store on that particular day. My VS Reward and Angels cards saved me even more. Result: I ended up with just under $480 in merchandise for around $75. Plus cash back. I can do this with almost any store or shopping trip. Priceline is my favorite. If you’re traveling this season, layer your deals! And remember to layer into the new year and beyond.

5. Layer your deals -they want you to!  Do you think it’s a shock that I saved over $400 at Victoria’s Secret? Of course not! The stores actually want and expect you to use these sometimes clandestine looking deals they strategically hide on the internet. My free lip gloss coupon was found on Coupon Cabin. My Secret Reward card was found at the Victoria’s Secret store its self at the counter. My Angels card offers awesome rewards (so don’t forget to sign up for the mailers from your favorite stores! They often combine with the online codes!) Layering Cash Back with coupons, specials and codes can be done. The result is an awesome savings. And these stores know you love investing 15 minutes in “deal hunter mode” to get it. So do it!

6. Negotiate rates, prices and perks.  Layering coupon codes with offers and cash back with your credit card points isn’t the only way you can save. These strategic tactics actually create an excitement which results in an urge in the consumer to shop more often. So remember this! Don’t feel bad about negotiating. Call your cell phone company. Verizon may have an offer of “Save $20 + Double Your Data” right now which actually combines with their “Black Friday Gift: 11/28 Free Data Day + 1 Free Gig Rollover,” but there’s nothing wrong for asking for more. Yep, I said more. I took advantage of these 2 offers recently then requested more. I wanted a better discount. The sales reps and clerks don’t take it personally, they’re just doing their job. Their job happens to be to make you happy. Obviously, don’t complain about something if it isn’t true just to get a price break. But you could compliment what you do like about your service or product and tell them that you’d like it to continue, and question if it’s possible to get an even better deal (without strings or contract extensions.) You can tell the clerk at CVS that you see this dented box of cereal is on sale for $1.99 but since it has a dent, would he do better? He usually will. A little saved is a little earned.

7. Build a Holiday Season coupon rack.  During the holidays, many retailers offer amazing deals. Especially on Black Friday. It sounds silly, but in my 20’s I used to wonder if those women with divided recipe boxes filled with coupons realized they looked absurd. But now that I’m older and in my 40’s, I don’t feel silly at all with my coupon box. If you get a very basic box and have a section for each store and a section for each type of item, you’ll save an average of $9-14 per grocery trip. If your store has double coupon day, you really save.

8. Take advantage of store bonus and loyalty cards.  During my vacation this past summer, I learned about gas rewards at Shell through the Winn Dixie loyalty card program. As we were signing up for the card, a shopper and his wife approached us to tell us of his giant savings through the special deals they offer. Apparently, if you go for one of the deals, you get an even bigger savings on the next fill up. This particular time he spoke of was a $29 savings on gas. While the gas prices in Florida are slowly but surely declining, it makes sense to use every discount possible.

9. Shopping at Walmart isn’t necessarily saving you money.  Recently, I met with a client who happened to work for Walmart. He enlightened me. He explained that while you see lower prices on their groceries, you’re not really saving any money. He said, “Look at a box of cereal from Publix. It says $3.99 but you are getting more. If you read the box that is shipped to Walmart, it’s less expensive but there is a difference in the actual amount of the product. The boxes are the same size. But if you read the label, there’s a difference. You’re actually spending the same amount.” That explained, read your labels! While Walmart is excellent when it comes to offering low prices, you get what you pay for so far as weight of boxed, frozen and canned foods. Anything that is packaged -read the label. On many things, they’re actually more expensive per ounce. Even diaper count! Don’t gyp yourself out of a pleasurable shopping experience at your local farmer’s market where everything is likely fresher, better and yes, cheaper.

10. Take advantage of seasonal offers.  Right now, many merchants are offering Holiday Seasonal promotions and many are integrated in the merchant’s app. Let’s use Starbucks, the luxury most (including me) can’t afford on a daily basis, as an example. Honestly, I refuse to pay $5 for a cup of coffee. Seriously. Because that is what it costs. Right now, they have BOGO between 2 and 5pm with a bonus loyalty card. Each drink earns 1 star. At 5 stars, you get a free grande (medium) drink. If you combine this with your Starbucks app, you also receive a star for each purchase for which 12 = a free drink of any variety or size. Refilling my Starbucks app using my points and cash back credit card + BOGO + my bank card offers a specific Starbucks cash back, plus my loyalty stars = $2.86 versus $5.25 per drink. That’s a hefty savings when you add it up. Instead though, I’ll use my cash back sites + my promo code and Groupon to buy my tea and make it at home. Get the idea?

11. Instead of re-gifting, double dip.  This is a situation that is rare, but you never know… Double dipping is rather simple. Instead of giving back or re-gifting to someone else, this can actually work to your advantage. Last year, someone gave me something from a store that I didn’t care for. I said thank you of course, but returned it. Since it was a gift, I didn’t have the receipt so they put the value of the return on a gift card. A few months later, I was on the stores website and remembered that I had a gift card. Combining the cash back, promo codes and my gift card = almost free order. If someone gives you a gift card or a gift from a store you don’t care for, you can actually RETURN the gift card in most cases. Or, you can sell the gift card. You can actually purchase gift cards to give as gifts or keep yourself, at a great discount on places like eBay, Craig’s List and sites that resell gift cards. It’s a great way to save an extra 10% or so on your purchases. If I want a gift card to a restaurant, I can buy a $50 gift card for around $40. A $100 store card usually goes for about $85-90.

My Super Cool Cheapskate Tip:  If you often entertain out, or if you like dining out, you can “double dip.” If you receive a restaurant gift card, or if you buy a restaurant gift card, you can save up to 50% or even more on your total bill depending on where you purchase the gift card. Remember: Check balances from private sellers from sites such as classifieds or Craig’s List. But do use eBay or classified sites to purchase your card which gets you around 20% off to start. Then go on Ebates, to get cash back on sites such as or Groupon, where you can get excellent deals on the restaurant of your choice. When you pay for your bill, you’ll present your or Groupon voucher and pay the balance with your gift card. Basically, this allows you to save an additional 10-20% on current or Groupon deals by purchasing discounted gift cards. Because restaurants usually have no restrictions regarding the use of gift cards (they’re like cash) it is very easy to combine these deals.

You can actually do this with gift cards from stores too, if the merchant happens to offer a Groupon deal.

Example: A salon offers a Groupon of $20 for $50 worth of services. You purchase a pre-loaded Visa card or a Spa Finder gift card from a private seller or a gift card re-seller such as (saves up to 35%) or Gift Card Granny. You can present your Groupon voucher at arrival as specified, then pay the balance of your bill with your gift or Visa card.

While there are not too many private sellers selling pre-loaded Visa and AMEX cards, there are some who do. Always, always remember to check and verify balances on all gift cards or pre-loaded cards that you buy from private sellers. Always. Good luck and happy saving!

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What Color Is Your Relationship?

Recently, as I was creating a new Twitter account (While you can find me on you can now find me on I had a marketing epiphany: I decided to follow all of my Relationship Guru buddies! That said, as I was reading through Evan Marc Katz’s followers, I discovered The Boyfriend Log. In essence, it is a brilliant application. At only $1.99 (yes, I bought it!) it allows you to color-code your emotions and feelings on a journaling platform. That way, you can really discover the dating patterns, both good and bad, in all your relationships. It’s simply genius, and I adore it. That said, I began my own process of color coding and journal as soon as the download was complete…

As many of you know, I am in a really wonderful relationship with a man I love to pieces. (He’s reading this, I’m sure. 😉
As I was journaling and clicking away at colors of my daily emotions (even several are allowed in one day – we ladies have ever-changing emotions lol) I realized something. I was understanding my emotions were not controlling me, I was the one in the driver’s seat.
The app allows you to select from a series of overall emotions within a monthly calendar and back it up to your Dropbox to review later. Emotions range from Amazing down to Sad/Scary. Really, as it combines the journaling platform with simple, color-coded emotions enabling you to spot patterns in your various relationships, you can take careful inventory of your feelings on a regular basis. And your partner’s too, because typically, your own series emotions will often mirror those of your partner.
I realized something amazing. I realized that I am in charge of my own emotions. Now, that sounds rather silly for a relationship and marriage counselor to say. But in reality, we as egocentric human beings, prefer to shift the blame for whatever we’re feeling at any given time to someone -anyone else. It’s an inadvertent reflex, and we don’t realize it. Nor do we typically have any control over it, because it’s in our subconscious mind as a subconscious reflex. Interesting, yes?
While I had expected to click green all the way through (the best emotion is green aka: “Amazing”) because my relationship really isamazing, I was clicking on the other colors as well that I had experienced throughout these days. My less-than-amazing emotions were related not to my relationship, but to other things in my life such as work, family, business and so on. I realized two important things:

1. While we don’t always have the ability to control our emotions, we do have the ability to choose what we attach a certain emotion to.
2. If I discover a less-than-stellar emotion sometime throughout my day, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.

Because women are emotional creatures, we often feel many emotions at once. Happiness, elation, joy, fear, anxiety (yes, anxiety can be an emotion.) That said, it’s acceptable to assume that we may feel different ways at different times of the day. What we don’t realize though, is that if we feel a negative emotion, we don’t have to attach that emotion to anything specific. We have the ability to choose.
In relationships, we initially make the promise that we will accept our partner completely for who they are without fear or reprisal. However, we sometimes allow things our partner says and does affect our emotions. For example: I might have had my heart set on a quiet dinner at home. I try a new recipe, put on something pretty and wait for his arrival. But he’s late. And not only is he late, he announces that he has invited company for dinner. Not only has he invited company, he’s invited company who I do not care for. This announcement and series of events should upset me. I should theoretically feel disappointment, frustration and maybe even anger. But I have the ability to choose. I can choose to express these emotions and then set them aside.

Because it’s unhealthy to bottle up your feelings, always express emotion as you feel it. Flowing with your emotions keeps you on an even keel and prevents them from coming out in a tyrant, and also possibly prevents an explosion at an inappropriate moment. But being able to express your emotions in a tactful, productive manner and set them aside is being a true goddess. So, I realized that I could choose to not only attach any not-so-great emotions to other things, I could choose to view my relationship in an even more positive light.

Viewing your emotions and your relationship, as well as others, in a more positive light is a gift. And when you think about it, he didn’t know I’d gone shopping and bought ingredients, fresh flowers and gotten all dressed up. He didn’t know I had planned since the previous night for a romantic dinner at home. He didn’t even have control over the invitation he felt compelled to make. So in turn, he was not responsible for my negative emotions. I was, though. And I had the choice of expressing them productively and then setting them aside.
Here are 3 steps that will help you control your emotions:

1. When you feel a strong emotion, identify it. For example, if you’re feeling anger, you’ll think to yourself, “I feel angry. It’s a powerful emotion. I feel like kicking this person in the head, it’s so powerful. Anger is what I feel.”

2. Once you’ve identified the emotion, identify with the emotion. Decide what, exactly, caused the emotion. If it was the words or behavior of another person, i.e., your partner, accept that this is okay.

3. Once you’ve realized why you’re feeling the emotion, look around for something else to attach it to apart from your partner or another person. Example: your partner may have done something, but it may not have been their fault. Or they may not have even realized. So, pick something else -even if it’s something related (a vase of flowers, maybe?) to attach that negative emotion to.

4. Now that your negative emotion isn’t attached to a person, express your emotions by “going with the flow of your feelings.” Remember, bottling your emotions up over time can lead to an explosion or a tyrant, and you don’t want that happening, especially not at the wrong moment. So, verbalize and communicate your emotions clearly but productively. Example: “I feel disappointed because I was looking forward to a nice dinner at home. And as you can see, I had gone to a lot of trouble.” believe me, he will appreciate your expression. And even more so, the absence of tyrants.

5. Let it go. Yes, it’s okay and even more productive to let it go or set it aside. You can always revisit the negative emotion later on. Or you may decide to forget it all together, which is even better.

So you see, while my day was color-coded on the app as Orange aka “happy” I had the choice to make it Green aka “Amazing,” instead. Why? Because I was in control of my choices. I was in control of my emotions. That said, even though I realize that I did feel less than amazing that day, none of that was his fault. Again, he didn’t have any control over things that affect my emotions or cause negative emotional responses inside me. So, he was “Amazing.” And Green. 😉

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Find Out If Porn Is Healthy In A relationship

Understanding The ‘Adult Mind’ And Adult Entertainment

Pornography, or adult entertainment, is simply everywhere. In an article authored by Dr. David Delvin and Christine Webber, psychotherapist, the idea that implementing a touch of spice can be considered healthy,  but does hold, for many, severe consequences ranging from distorted body image to addiction.  

A Marriage & Relationship Coach’s Position:  While it’s my personal position that adding pornography to a healthy, monogamous relationship can have many benefits, others won’t agree. It’s my take that “adding a little spice,” so to speak, can strengthen intimate bonds while adding a layer of confidence in the aspects of trust and safety, due to sharing on such a personal level. Trust me, it takes great confidence and courage to share one’s private, most intimate fantasies with another person -especially with someone whom you care very much what they think, or what opinions might form. An intimate level of sharing that results in great pleasure together is a good thing. But many do not share my opinions. Below, Dr. David Delvin and Christine Webber, psychotherapist, discuss the stats, pros and cons.

In the last few years a remarkable change has taken place in Britain and many other western countries.

In 2014, huge numbers of men and women are looking at explicit sexual material on the internet. Statistics indicate that sex is by far the most popular search term on the web.And recent American studies show that 68 per cent of young adult males and 18 per cent of young adult females look at porn at least once a week.Perhaps it’s not surprising then that there are increasing worries about the availability of porn and the degree to which it demeans women.Quite a number of sex and relationship therapists are now concerned about how porn can skew what people expect in their own bedrooms. And many women are anxious and upset about being asked to do things within a sexual relationship that they feel are extreme and unnatural – but which they know are activities that their partners perceive as normal because of seeing them on the internet. These activities are likely to include the man ejaculating onto the woman’s face and anal sex – both of which are now seen as ‘routine’ by some men who view porn.

In early 2014, a group of distinguished female academics wrote to ‘The Times’ to complain that violent pornography online is becoming the default sex educator for some young people. And there are a growing number of women’s groups on the internet who are strongly opposed to all porn. They feel that it’s insulting and degrading to all females. One correspondent told me: ‘Porn turns women into anonymous meat.’ On the other hand, many women in sexual relationships will – on occasion – quite happily watch some forms of porn with their male, or female, partners. And a growing number of women who are single, or away from home on business, will access porn themselves in order to masturbate to gain sexual relief and have a good night’s sleep.

So, there are wide differences in how people feel about pornography, and it seems likely that there is going to be more and more debate about what porn is doing to our society.

Can porn be part of a normal relationship?

Our answer to that question would be a qualified ‘yes’.There is no doubt that many couples experiment with the use of porn as an aid to perking up their sex lives, for example by sometimes watching an explicit DVD together. And sex education videos are often arousing as well as informative.Also, a lot of women like erotic stories. Some females prefer to read alone to get themselves turned on. Others like their man to read to them in bed. So for some couples, using pornography and erotica works well.

How women see porn

There has always been a difference between men and women where porn is concerned.

Men tend to be turned on by things they can see, such as naked females, while women seem to prefer the images and fantasies they have in their heads. For this reason, women often don’t enjoy the sort of porn that men usually like. If the people on the screen don’t appeal to them, they don’t get turned on. Women can also feel uneasy and inferior about the bodily ‘perfection’ of the women in porn. This can put them off sex, rather than turn them on to it. A woman can feel threatened by her man’s enjoyment of these images and quickly feel that if a man is enthusiastic about porn, he must be losing interest in her. This is often not the case at all. Whether women like it or not, because porn is so available, a lot of men are going to view it.

How men see porn

Statistics indicate that many men like porn of some sort or another. Their arousal is linked to images, and from their teens they are likely to masturbate while looking at pictures of female bodies. Lots of men use porn for quick masturbation – and this can happen even if they are in a sexually satisfying relationship. Some women have a problem with a man seeking solo relief, but in fact huge numbers of normally-sexed men do this routinely. Men will often say that porn-assisted masturbation is intense, uncomplicated – and relaxing. They also put it in a separate compartment: porn is just an ‘extra’ that has no impact on their feelings for their partner or relationship. Men in general do not view porn or solo sex as a sign of infidelity.

What problems can porn cause?

There are unfortunate consequences from the new, widespread availability of porn.

1. The accessibility of porn to children

There is an enormous amount of sexual material on the internet that should not be seen by children.

If you have kids in your home, make sure any computer they use is fitted with a filter that prevents access to adult material.

2. Availability of eccentric sexual material

A quick web search will return sites that most people would find upsetting. They cover topics like incest, coprophilia (sex involving faeces) and zoophilia (sex with animals).

Unless you are compiling a textbook of sexual psychopathology, these sites are best avoided.

3. Availability of violent or cruel material

There is a lot of porn on the net that glorifies violence, particularly against women. There have been suggestions that some of this could provoke men to harm their partners or commit rape.

The British government is still looking at ways to curb this sort of pornography.

4. Availability of material involving children

Sadly, it has become clear that a large number of men (and a few women) are fascinated by the idea of sex with minors.

Much research is going on to find out if the availability of ‘kiddy-porn’ is increasing the incidence of paedophiliac behaviour. We advise staying well away from anything that mentions the words ‘teen’ or ‘young’.

Raising False Sense Of Body Image:

Erotic material tends to give men and women impossibly high ‘targets’ to aim for in the sexual field.

  • Young men get the idea that they should have huge penises and be able to climax again and again, carrying on all night.
  • Young women get misleading notions about what their bodies should look like. They don’t realise that the pictures of the models are heavily air-brushed so their bodies – and especially their vaginal openings – look impossibly neat and tidy.
  • Some younger men are surprised by what most of us would regard as normal pubic hair. They have seen so much porn imagery where the women have little or no hair that they think this is the norm.

Young men assume it is acceptable to ejaculate on their partner’s face or breasts. This sort of material is commonplace in porn, leading many men to think it’s routine behavior in the bedroom.

5. Exploitation of models and actors

Visual pornography involves the use of real people. While some young men and women are more than happy to take part in erotic photo sessions or films, for others there may well be an element of exploitation.

6. The tendency of the internet to encourage solitary sex

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of solitary sex. When you are living on your own or are between relationships, masturbation is good.

Sex therapists have also found it can help women with arousal difficulties or anorgasmia (or inability to climax.)

But when porn becomes preferable to real, live sex with a loving partner, it indicates a problem.

Disregard of ‘safe sex’

The great majority of ‘performers’ on the internet do not use condoms, Obviously, this is an appalling example to set to young people.

Are relationship problems because of porn common?

We would say that a problem with porn is almost exclusively a male thing.

In our practice we have never seen a woman who was addicted to porn or who preferred it to having sex with a partner.

But we have received a lot of complaints from women who are distressed that their male partners no longer want to make love to them, preferring to spend hours masturbating in front of porn.

This is a worrying trend, and we are not alone in our concerns. Various experts from Relate and the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapy (COSRT), have reported that solitary use of porn is a huge factor in relationship breakdown and that it is ‘spiralling out of control’.

What to do if porn is a problem

It is a good idea if couples discuss their attitude to porn early on in their relationship and agree some house rules about how much porn is viewed or read and of what type. People often find this difficult, but communication is generally the key to keeping the habit within normal bounds.

If it is discussed before it becomes a huge problem, then the conversation can be calm and a woman can explain what works for her and what she might object to.

Such a conversation could also include the sexual relationship in general and could include the question of whether either party would like more variety – and if so, what.

Sometimes, women may know their man uses porn to masturbate, but they will decide not to broach the subject. This is understandable, but if you avoid discussing it until it becomes a problem, talking may no longer be effective.

A man who is addicted to porn may promise to change and to stop viewing internet images, but he probably won’t.

He may assure his partner that he loves her, but it’s quite possible that he won’t stop accessing porn. He may even break down and cry and swear that he longs to give up all the porn, but it’s unlikely he will manage this without professional help.

How to get help

Unfortunately, there’s very little free help.

There is no medication that can stop a person from wanting to use porn. And though a GP may agree to refer a man to one of the NHS psychosexual clinics that exist in some areas of the country, waiting lists are usually very long indeed.

Some men, who come to accept they have a real problem, get help through Sex Addicts Anonymous. But they have to do this for themselves – much as someone with an alcohol addiction has to decide to go to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Relate is a good source of help if the problem has not gone too far. It is particularly useful if the basic relationship between a man and woman is still healthy and both parties want to work together to help the man stop using porn.

There are some skilled therapists in the private sector who are expert in dealing with porn problems. They can be found through the following associations:

An acceptable vice?

There is no doubt that pornography has become more acceptable to people than in previous generations. It has also become much more readily available – mostly through the mushrooming of material on the internet.

Occasional use of pornography would now be deemed as normal by most experts. When it is used by couples or for solo sexual relief on an intermittent basis, it can be quite useful.

And there is no doubt that material such as The Lovers’ Guide DVDs, which can be arousing but is essentially educational, has helped many couples to understand their bodies better and to improve their sex lives.

But the dark side of pornography and erotica is that it can quickly become addictive and isolating. In these circumstances, it is just a quick fix without emotional involvement.

Unfortunately, some individuals find it easier to retreat into their porno-world rather than deal with normal relationships, which are always going to have their ups, downs and complexities.


For The Ladies: When You Are In A Relationship: What TO DO – The Short List

What To Do When You’re In A Relationship

We have discussed the ways men think, how they feel and what makes them tick. We have made many lists. But what we haven’t discussed is the basic, no holds barred “short list” of to do when in a great relationship. We all know that men want a woman with whom they can confide, a best friend so to speak. He wants someone he admires and is proud of. That said, here is the short list of the to do’s. You’re welcome.

  • Be a lady: Understated, classy sensuality but not sexuality. There’s a big difference. You always present yourself well, dressing for the occasion. But what he won’t see is your boobs on display -ever, unless you’re in the bedroom. Always, always wear an appropriate bra. Men love boobs, but they don’t want every other guy seeing them too. And if you’re on display, he’ll imagine you always dress that way and he might even view you as an attention hound. Because if you’re dressed too sexy, you’ll get his attention. But you’ll also get the attention of the guy next to you in line, the pizza man and your pervy-looking neighbor. Think back to the TV show, The Sopranos. Tony’s psychologist, who was played by a woman, suggested that he initiate a certain bedroom act that his wife didn’t readily initiate herself. His response was, “Are you kidding? That’s my wife! The mother of my children! She kisses my children with that mouth! I would never!” Now, this is a bit extreme of course, but it shows you how men think. They will take strippers to bed all day long. But the woman they marry is a woman they think highly of. And the woman they think highly of is a lady. And a lady never discussed sex with or dresses provocatively for anyone but him. (Psychologists are okay though!)
  • Be intelligent. But don’t be a follower:  He has interests. He has hobbies. And so do you. Take an interest in his hobbies and such, but do not become his pet. Men do not bond through conversation (I know, shocking, right?) He will not bond with you through discussing his favorite TV show or his passion for photography. Taking an interest is a good thing. But adopting all of his interests is another.
  • Always tell the truth:  If this seems like common sense, I will agree. But sometimes we forget ourselves and try to cover up or hide a few details about ourselves. I’m not referring to being modest. If there is something about yourself or your past that you are not proud of, it is okay to share these things once you get to know one another well enough. Of course, you won’t want to share your silly phobia of gnomes until at least the third date. (Ha ha!) But never try to “cover up” because he will eventually find out. It is best to be upfront.
  • Occasionally, pull out the cash:  Wealth of any degree is always impressive to men, as long as it isn’t flaunted and as long as you don’t use it against him in an emasculating way. But it is okay (and usually very appreciated) when you offer to pay for something. Example: offer to pay for dinner, occasional theater tickets or even something or somewhere special that you’d like him to accompany you. Buy him an occasional present. Men appreciate thoughtfulness. If you see that there is something he needs or wants, it’s perfectly acceptable to buy him a present even if it is not his birthday.
  • Suggest dates:  He may be the one to ask you for the date. But if he asks what you’d like to do, go ahead and tell him. Men appreciate a girl who knows what type of food she enjoys. What he doesn’t like is hearing “No, I just don’t feel like that,” after he’s already made several suggestions.
  • Cleanliness is a good thing:  Men are messy by default. My mother used to say, “Your father has a terrible case of the drops!” Meaning, he’d drop his newspaper wherever he felt like it. Do not tidy up his place, it’s HIS PLACE. Instead, keep your own place nice and clean with a big, comfy chair so that he’ll love visiting. That way, when he visits it’ll feel to him like he’s “movin’ on up.”
  • Feed him:  Again, common sense. But if he’s a male, he is going to be hungry and probably pretty often. So if you can cook, feed him. If you feed him well, he’ll be happy. If you rarely feed him at all or pick at your own salads like a bird when you’re out to dinner, he’ll think he has 20 years of bird salads ahead of him. I read a book once where a woman had her boyfriend completely convinced she was an amazing cook because she went to yard sales and invested in very expensive (but very used) cookware. And he married her. Poor if you can’t cook, try to learn. Never underestimate the power of YouTube. You’ll thank me.
  • Keep your (and his) stuff private:  You both likely have social networking, email and such in today’s modern world. The common, unfortunate trend is that couples seem to share passwords to one another’s email and the like. Honestly, not only is this expectation an invasion of privacy, but it makes you appear an insecure nine year-old. There is no reason for you to share private access or passwords unless you’ve requested his help in building your website or something. It does not evoke thoughts of trust. It evokes thoughts of silliness. If he happens to share a password or two with you for some certain, specific purpose, don’t go try logging into every account you think he may own. He’ll know. And you’ll look absurd.
  • Always share feelings:  Try to have a positive mindset when you’re around your partner. No one likes a chronic complainer. But also remember to share your feelings. If you bottle them up, they’ll come out in a possible tyrant and chances are, he won’t even know what he did wrong. Instead, practice starting your sentences out with “I feel” to express your feelings. Relationship coach Rori Raye coined this technique. And she is a genius. For example, instead of saying “You always used to text me all day. Now lately you’re always busy on the weekends. What is going on!? It’s like on Friday night I know I might barely hear from you until Sunday night! Or even Monday! What the hell!” Try instead, “Lately, on the weekends, I’ve *been feeling* a little detached. I enjoy our exchanges and I like hearing from you throughout the day.”
  • Try to make your point. FAST.  Men, you’ll notice, use far less words to get their point across. They use what words make sense to them at the time. Women, on the other hand, use lots of words because we want to get the right feeling across. Well, I have news for you. Men can think. And men can feel. But that cannot think and feel at the exact same time. They do not easily switch from one to the other, either. That said, they use as few words as possible sometimes. Now, some guys know this so they use LOTS OF WORDS that are very expressive because they’re trying to make an impression. I think this is so cute when they do this. And it feels SOOOO great when they do! But when you write or speak, use words that make sense and make your point -fast, and in a matter of fact sort of way. He will appreciate it and he will understand you better.
  • Do remember that men have shorter attention spans.  They’re not trying to be rude. But when you respond to their “good morning” text with an anthology, they only skim it for they can’t help themselves. Again, use few words. And make a point, always.
  • Do be sensual.  It’s okay to initiate and be passionate when you’re in an exclusive relationship. Don’t ever “punish” him by withholding intimacy. It isn’t a tool. For some men, their way of making up after a disagreement really is initiating sex. They’d love to have the expressive words to make you happy or apologize for whatever it was, but they don’t. So, they come to you with intimacy.
  • Do offer your help.  Men are the masculine providers, protectors, warriors. But they appreciate it when you’re nurturing side comes out. Offer to help if he looks like he needs it, or if you happen to be the authority on something he’s working on.
  • Make him feel needed.  There is a big difference between being a drama queen and requesting genuine help from him. (Remember this!) Men hate drama. But they love being needed. It’s okay to be independent and strong yourself, but if a man feels like you don’t need him, then he wonders what purpose he serves in the relationship. If you have a flat tire, don’t try to play GI Jane and change it yourself if you simply can’t. Ask him for his help. And thank him when he offers.
  • Do compliment him when he deserves it.  As woman, we are taught to be gracious. So let your manners show and show often. When you’re impressed by something he does, or if you appreciate his help with something, show him by giving him a compliment.
  • Make your point without emptying your brain.  Men really appreciate an intelligent woman. But they don’t want to date an encyclopedia. I have been guilty of making this mistake, rambling to when I forget my own point. Men hate rambling and more than that, they hate repetition. If you find yourself asking the same question to him more than twice, it may be a difference in communication styles. Men are not mysterious or even complicated. Remember: there is no secret, hidden message in what he says. He means exactly what he says, when he says it. I have even instructed clients to write down what their boyfriends say, verbatim. And reading his words over again. Men really cannot stand repetition. It is true that men’s feelings and thoughts can change just as our own. But if he said something to you, please do not ask him what he meant. It will only annoy him to tears. Instead, call your relationship coach. Or write it down and reread it until you understand his point.
  • Take an interest in your own life.  Don’t rely on him to remind you that you are special. Take a genuine interest in your own life, your own successes and your own experiences. It’s wonderful to take an interest in and ask him about his life. But if you have nothing going on for yourself, you will appear boring and even clingy.
  • Hide your crazy.  While men adore an interesting and even quirky woman, eventually both partners will become annoyed by the quirks. Heck, you’ll probably be tired of the way the poor guy eats his breakfast after a few years. But do always, always hide your crazy. When in doubt, don’t say it. Even when emotions run high during a disagreement or if you perceive he’s talking a little too long with the attractive co-worker, hide your crazy. Do not blow up. Calm down, count to 10. And call your relationship coach.
  • Do lean back and allow him to pursue you.  After all, he is the male. He’s the warrior on the hunt to win your heart. You are the prize. It is okay to let him know you’re interested, certainly. But allow him the freedom of being the hunter he is, stepping up to the challenge of winning your heart. There is a big difference between texting or reaching out to a man and responding to a man. 
  • Remember: the men kill the bugs!  In other words, they’re men. They’re far from perfect. But neither are we. They want to be warriors, win your heart and prove themselves. They want to be masculine. They want to be the stronger one. They want to win the chase. So let them. In other words: Show him the bug, and he will kill it.

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What NOT To Do: Getting Your Ex Back

What NOT To Do When You Want Your Ex Back

We have carefully vetted and discussed every avenue regarding getting your ex back. What we haven’t discussed though, is what is not to do, or what’s inappropriate behavior. In this article we will go over a few things that I have heard from my clients on the subject. And yes, please pay very, very close attention. You just might find yourself right here.

The Common Sense Stuff

This may seem a bit too common sense to you, however to many out there, it’s going to be rather jarring. And yes, people ready have tried these brash tactics. That said, here you go.

  • Don’t hack their phone or computer. Or their iPad. If you’ve already been doing this (and let’s be truthful here) STOP right away.
  • Do not fly to their city on your own dime just to park outside their place of residence. Trust me, they will recognize you. And it will not make you appear more attractive to them.
  • Don’t send them a barrage of text messages. I refer to this as “text assault.” And this goes for emails, too. I understand you’re very hurt. I understand you’re desperate. I know you’re thinking, “If I could only talk to them.” Trust me, not a prudent decision if you’re trying to use the “get them back” methods as suggested in all the programs I have ever read. Please, please lay off the text.
  • Don’t buy them gifts and send them in the mail. This may seem strange, as you want to be adored and admired by them. But trust me, it is not in your best interest.
  • Don’t write them a letter and send it in the mail. Yes, anything sent through the Post Office still counts!
  • Do not contact their exes to discuss what a horrible person they are. You’re angry, I understand. But it’s just not a good idea. And it is definitely not a good plan should you ever desire them to return to you. Your messages of anger you convey while you’re in a state of painful panic is not what you want them to remember you by. Not if you want them to have any positive feelings about you.
  • Do not contact their current romantic partner. This is just common sense. And it will save you much embarrassment in the future.
  • Do not call them. I repeat: DO NOT CALL THEM. Just don’t. It’s the same as text or emailing them. I DO NOT CARE HOW AWESOME A REASON YOU HAVE CONCOCTED. And I have heard some real doozies! Think of a time you ended a relationship, would you want unsolicited calls from that person? You won’t say the right thing and their negative feelings toward you have not died down enough yet. Wait a MINIMUM of 21 days to 8 weeks prior to first contact unless under the guidance of a relationship coach.
  • Do not “stalk” them online. Don’t visit their social network pages, business website or decide to finally connect with them via LinkedIn. For the love of God, STAY OFF THE INTERNET! What you see may only upset you, and this will cause you more confusion and will definitely cause you unwanted pain.
  • Do not contact their parents. Do not contact their siblings. Do not call “because you care.” Even if you trust the person you’re calling, your call WILL be reported to your ex. And you will be viewed as invasive and even more so, annoying. Just don’t do it.
  • Do not contact their friends: FOR ANY REASON. Even if you’re “worried” about your ex, this is not your business anymore. Again, this will be viewed as invasive. (And you should never do this in the first place, even when you are in a relationship or getting along.)
  • Do not “accidentally” bump into them. I cannot stress this enough. And I have heard this one far too many times to not address it. It will appear contrived, and you’ll look silly for showing up at his or her old haunts.
  • Do not “conveniently contact them regarding business or work.” This may seem like an odd point, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this end in disaster. Even if you had a business idea together or you happen to work at the same office location, avoid this situation at all costs.
  • If you do happen to work at the same office, don’t put in for a transfer. It will make you appear fearful. Don’t let them have that satisfaction. Simply carry on, head held high like the lady you are.
  • Do not engage in gossip about your ex. That cannot possibly help, especially if you plan to get them back, or even be thought of highly, especially in the office. Gossip is never flattering, or becoming, nor will it help you in any manner. “You are too much of a lady to speak,” as someone very close to me would creatively phrase it.
  • DO NOT THREATEN YOUR EX! You have known them for possibly a long time and may have “dirt” on them. Do not use that to a conniving advantage. If they confided in you, they did so because they trusted you. Do not compromise that trust, especially if you want them back. This includes divulging private photos, information or anything whatsoever -especially in a way that might cause them embarrassment or pain.
  • Do not bother your ex regarding financial issues. If your ex owes you money and it’s a genuine loan, then it’s okay to request it. But do so privately, tactfully and diplomatically (after an appropriate amount of time has passed.) If they are moving out and owe a portion of expenses such as rent, it’s okay to request it.
  • Do not reach out to them to return their belongings, photos, personal items they left at your place, etc. This may sound odd, but trust me when I assure you that they know you have them. You’ll look very silly contacting them to return a used $2 disposable razor, a bottle of cologne (regardless of how expensive it may be) and a photo of their dog. If they want these items, they will not “be too scared to reach out.” If it’s items of high value, they will definitely reach out with a request. They’ll let you know, believe me.
  • Do not pack a box of their personal items in your possession and drop them at their workplace.
  • Do not send them money or a check that you “think you might owe them.” Unless it’s alimony or child support, do not contact them for this (or any) reason.